Clockwork

A year, within a week, since I set up this blog.

I can't seem to let it go. "It"--the Church, the teachings, the culture...probably all three. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Obviously, were it all true (or if we just use the assumption of truth), it'd be a good thing. But what I'm worried about is motivation and the question of why I keep vacillating between the extremes without ever choosing one once and for all.

After the last post here--11 months ago--I went off the deep end. I met the the missionaries on a fairly regular basis. Actually became relatively good friends with one of them. Attended Church for a couple months. All the while, and especially after I stopped going, drinking a whole lot and not really doing much else. I'm not happy in either place, that's for sure. I'm sure part of it that I truly need to commit to one end or the other. Can't keep one foot in and one foot out...but I really like aspects of both lifestyles.

The last time I met with the missionaries, one of them (the one I consider a friend) challenged me to pour the rest of my whiskey down the drain as an act of faith, as a sign of wanting to commit to the righteous path. I seem to remember his exact words being: "What would it take for you to do it?" I couldn't do it. It wasn't because I'm an alcoholic and I needed the drink, but because...I'm not sure anymore. I had reasons. I think some were good. What would it have taken for me to do it? I'm not sure. What would it take for me to do it now? I'm not sure, but an assurance it wouldn't be in vain would be a good start.

I've done this before. I've lived in 4 cities since leaving home and I've been to Church in all of them except the most recent one. But I've only been here two months and I'm feeling that itch again, so that will probably change. I'll go. I'll read. I'll pray. I may or may not change my lifestyle. See--I've done that before. Part of me recognizes that doing it once ought not preclude doing it again.

The first time I prayed--truly prayed--we disheartening. I finally got myself to a point where I was taking the Church seriously and felt I could, were It true, join. But, no, nothing. Two years later I attended church regularly, took all the missionary discussions, didn't drink, smoke, look at porn, went to Institute classes, read the Book of Mormon, and prayed. And begged.

Nothing. (A glimpse here and there, maybe, but nothing I could hang my hat on.)

Thus, my reticence to try again. I'm afraid of the answer. If it's YES, I'd be happy, sure, but it would entail many changes I wouldn't look forward to. (But with the grace and love of God, it would be okay, I think.) If it's NO, then I have even more questions. (1. Who, then, gave me the NO?)

But the answer that scares me most is the answer I most expect and the answer I've always received: NONE. Cause, then, I'd still be stuck in the same damned place, wondering and thinking the same things:

Is it me? Do I need to do something to be worthy of The Answer? Standard discourse implies no, that it just takes a sincere heart. I'd like to believe that, even if I don't always have that when I pray, I have had it at some point. Sadly, if I haven't, I'm not sure how to get it.

Is it God? Is He withholding for some reason? Is it not "my time?" Am I not prepared for the answer and He is blessing my by waiting until I am ready for The Truth? How can I know these thing?

Is it nothing? Is the universe just a cold, dead place, and my search is misguided? Do I keep coming back to these questions about the validity of the Church simply because I'm not strong enough to accept an atheistic world?

I'm not sure what the answers are. I'm not sure even what questions ought to be asked? And I'm definitely not sure which side I truly want the decision to come down on.

--Gah! Angst! That's about all I can handle without getting into the painfully self-conscious area where I write dark and brooding poetry.

As for this blog, I think I'm going to try again with the original intention of reading the BoM again, but we can all see how well that worked last time, so no reason for us to get all excited yet.